


Cloud Thoughts Vol 1

by ARivers610



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Book - Freeform, Clouds, Depression, Family, Feelings, First Love, Free Verse, Happy, Last year, Life - Freeform, Love, Past Relationship(s), Poems, Poet - Freeform, Poetry, Prose Poem, Sad, Slam Poetry, Trauma, collection, friends - Freeform, prose, thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21579064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARivers610/pseuds/ARivers610
Summary: This is a poetry collection I wrote last year about being in my first relationship, experiencing love, dealing with trauma from my past and essentially losing myself. I wrote so much at the beginning, during it and after but these poems describe how I was feeling the best at the time.





	1. Page 1

**holding me in your arms**

This is my book and it's going to be depressing sometimes because the words within these pages will be seen through my eyes. You'll hear it in my voice, which will crack at the mention of you, because you hurt me. Your hands will tremble and sweat as you flip through the stages my mind went through.

Every page will contain an emotion, or several and reading it will feel like too much because that's how you made me feel. No matter what I did, it was never enough because I was already too much. Anything I did was just going to push you away. Not all of the words will make sense to you and that's okay because nothing makes sense to me anymore.

The people who have been hurt, lied to, been pushed away and not given a chance to say what they needed to, they will understand. They will read this book and cry with me, cheer for my bravery and love me for my ability to keep going.

Even though you aren’t listening to me now because you’ve turned off your emotions and moved on without so much as a glance back at me, reading this book will be like staring at the destruction you were too scared to see right in its eye.

Be careful you don't blink because this book is hungry and it will devour you as soon as you open it. There are no censored feelings once you break open the spine and dive inside the bones of this book, only all the things that made the bones strong enough to hold me up when everything was trying to keep me down. Don't worry though; I won't say your name in this book. Nothing will be that obvious.

I'll be sure to mention you in my dedication page.

Thanks for the fuel, it lit the fire in me and when you hold this book it will burn you, but it won’t hurt me.


	2. Page 2

**dedication page**

This is for all the times the only thing that made me feel better, was hearing the clicking noise from my keyboard, the scratch of a pen or pencil against paper or all the poems I typed into notes on my phone while I waited at the bus station.

Words have always comforted me in a way no one ever has. Over the years my poems and stories grew hands, dried my tears and picked my head up. It was the only thing I could count on to get me through the dark times.

Thank you Mom, for never giving up on me and loving me unconditionally, as a parent should. Everything I ever do is for you.

Thank you to the friends I made at college, my writing group of misfit toys and the one friend who taught me how to use my voice. Without her I wouldn’t have found my place there. To my teachers, who helped me rediscover my love for writing, I haven’t stopped writing since.

Thank you to the people who inspired the love, pain and peace in this book. I couldn’t have done it without you. This isn’t my apology to you; it’s your apology to me. It’s the closure I never got from you.

So if you’re reading this now, I forgive you.


	3. Page 3

**contents**

**holding me in your arms……………………………………………… 1**

**dedication page………………………………………………………… 2**

**I. cotton candy pink clouds……………………………………………4**

**II. dark grey storm clouds…………………………………………… 15**

**III. seeing the blue sky………………………………………………… 23**


	4. Page 4

**I. cotton candy pink clouds**

**(that, I want to write your name in my notebook with a heart around it**

**think about our future**

**have cute picnic dates during the day**

**stargaze at night**

**go to the movies together and be “that” couple**

**stand with your arms around me at a concert and sing to each other**

**let you meet my family so they can fall in love with you too**

**talk for hours about everything, kind of love.)**


	5. Page 5

**a want, not a need**

there’s a thing i want.

i see it all the time,

hands touching hands

lips touching lips

souls touching souls

i want to feel connected.

i want to be desired.

i want to experience love.

is it human error to want these things

or is it human nature?

am i asking for the impossible?

is there such a creature who is

kind but truthful

humorous but mature

patient but passionate

there’s someone i want, i just haven’t met them yet.


	6. Page 6

**let you in**

you’re gently opening my arms to let you in. 

it’s easy.

it’s like i already made room before you even asked

it’s like i knew you’d come along


	7. Page 7

**thump, thump**

sharing my writing is more intimate than touching any part of my body.

the last person i showed it to took advantage of both.

i know you won’t do that,

but it still makes my heart race.


	8. Page 8

**easier said than done**

my body craves his gentle touches

i wish he could massage the worry from my brain

take out the bad memories and replace them all with

**_him._ **


	9. Page 9

**is this heaven?**

we keep giving each other an exit

but neither of us wants to go

i want to stay

in bed

with you

head in my lap

fingers through your hair

smile on my face. 


	10. Page 10

**like a bird**

i like holding your hand,

my fingers find a home in the spaces between yours.

i like looping my arm through yours,

i latch on and i don’t want to let go

i like when your fingertips gently touch my side,

i relax because i know you won’t go lower than i’ll allow

i like putting my head on your shoulder,

it’s the softest and gentlest thing i’ve ever felt

being caged in your arms

feels like freedom.


	11. Page 11

_**fear is good. change is better** _

if i wasn’t afraid

that would mean it’s not real

i’m not playing a part because i have to.

i’m changing because _I_ want to.


	12. Page 12

**break the cycle**

he doesn’t take my _breath_ away.

he makes it so i can _breathe_

he’s not all I _think_ about

he calms the swarming _chaos_ in my head

he doesn’t _grope_ or _grab_

he _crushes_ my doubts with his gentle hands

he _reassures_ me

tells me i’m _amazing_ or beautiful

with no ulterior 

motive?


	13. Page 13

**patience is key**

i don’t want to think about the past when my future is standing right in front of me with his arms extended

inviting and warm

i’m taking steps forward but i keep getting pushed back.

i know i’ll get there eventually

and he’ll still be waiting…


	14. Page 14

**messages on candy hearts**

HOPE is a four letter word

so is LOVE

i hope you LOVE me enough to

WAIT

i know you will because you’re

KIND

i was KIND of hoping you would be

**MINE**


	15. Page 15

**II. dark grey storm clouds**

**(that, I know something is wrong but I don’t know what it is**

**if I find out it’s going to break my heart**

**all of my worst fears are painting over the fluffy clouds**

**your soft embrace feels like sand paper against my skin**

**the touch of your lips melted my walls**

**now I’m standing in a puddle of empty promises in locked in a room**

**staring at a mirror of my mistakes**

**and you took the key, kind of pain.)**


	16. Page 16

**our last night together**

you left marks on me.

muddy footprints on the floor near my window.

angry scowl on my face.

deep sadness in my chest and all the ones i refuse to show.

maybe that's all i was.

just a warm embrace till you found something better.

just a gentle kiss but you wanted more and i wasn't ready to give it.

sorry that my inexperienced hands didn't touch you the way you wanted to be touched.

sorry that my clumsy lips couldn't melt perfectly into yours.

sorry that my questions were too much.

sorry that i was too much.

i'm sorry for all the nights i poured my heart out to convince you i wanted you.

to convince you to stay.

to convince you that things would be fine.

i'm going to wash away those muddy footprints.

i'm done pouring my heart out to you or anyone.

because it's not okay

i'm not okay


	17. Page 17

**~~two~~ ** **three ways to get rid of writers block**

1\. fall in love

2\. have your heart broken

Or option three (only applies to me)

  1. fall in love, have your heart broken, have your best friend reveal that she’s moving in with your very recent ex (just as friends) right before dropping you off after you spent the day telling her how heartbroken you were and she wants to know if you would be okay with it.




	18. Page 18

**your pin cushion**

you knew that what you said would upset me.

you just didn’t care.

everyone keeps reminding me how long we’ve been friends

i wonder if you thought about that at all?

has anyone said to you

that what you said to me

wasn’t right?

has anyone asked you

why you couldn’t have spared my feelings

which were so close to the edge

all they needed was that little nudge from you.

no, probably not.

you haven’t gone back in your head

over and over.

replaying everything that happened that day.

thinking about every word that came from your mouth.

well I have…multiple times

let me tell you this

friend, best friend, my other half, my ride or die, my partner in crime, ect…ect

you stabbed me in the front and in the back at the same time

and I didn’t see either one coming.


	19. Page 19

**blow me away**

how could you break me, when i was already broken?

how could you take what little happiness i had away from my aching fingers with words that came out of your mouth so effortlessly?

how could you drop another bomb on me before the dust settled from the first one?

you gave me no time to examine my wounds and tend to them.

you didn't give me a chance to breathe in clean air.

he made it hard to breathe

but you made the air toxic

the environment uninhabitable

it doesn't matter if what you said to me wasn't a sure thing

you saw me in my fragile state

and decided i wasn't broken enough

i poured my heart out to you as the sun started set up on the hill and we looked down at the city.

close to tears telling you everything and that's what you had to say?

how could you?

no...better yet

**_how dare you_ **


	20. Page 20

**future conversation**

you say: “how are you?”

i say: i’m so lucky

lucky like a god damn four leaf clover that up until now i haven’t had my heart broken by a guy. a guy touched me inappropriately. inappropriate thoughts raced through my mind when you touched me. me and you yeah i liked the sound of that. that night, yeah you know the one i’m talking about. about that night, it was terrible. terrible because i couldn’t enjoy it. it should’ve happened differently. differently in the sense that it shouldn’t have happened at all. all i wanted to do is lie there in your arms and relax. relax really there was nothing i wanted more. more importantly i deserved it. it had been years since i felt so sure of my body. my body was a wasteland of skin and bones nothing grew there. there was a disconnect between my body and my mind. my mind would not listen to the way my body buzzed and hummed. hummed me a lullaby and sang me to sleep. sleep eluded me that night. that night yeah that’s when I knew. knew that you were the one i wanted to share my body with…eventually. eventually i knew you would leave. leave me with these flowers that are slowly wilting. wilting and retreating back into the ground where they will stay. stay with me, i begged you. you said you were sorry. sorry but you couldn’t help. help me understand why. why couldn’t you have talked to me? me and you. you wanna be friends. friends is what we should have started out as. as much as i hate to admit it, i agree with that. that is literally my life story and there is no changing it. it hurts and before i had a chance to let it hurt i forced myself to be okay with it. it was my first true heart break and i didn’t know what to do. do you understand that? that experiencing this now feels like every reason i had to avoid relationships was valid. valid points but also my worst fears. fears that i didn’t want to face but i was doing it anyway

“anyway, i’m good, how are you?”


	21. Page 21

**sensitive**

you have to be careful because i’m a delicate little flower

if you raise your voice

i’ll probably cry

the sound of your voice holds a gale force wind

my petals will get torn

my hands are too weak to hold on

if i cry that must mean i’m weak right?

because that’s what crying is it’s weakness leaking out of my eyes

causing my hands to shake with every breath i push out of my body

every word that comes from my trembling lips sounds like a whisper.

speaking of whisper you have to be quiet too

all of yours words to me must sound

like a soft hum

as soon as i hear storm clouds come from your mouth

the rain will come from my eyes and fall to ground

i can feel the rumble of your voice beneath me

it makes my heart pound in my ears

it’s all too loud for a scared little rabbit like me

i am sensitive

but i am not weak

even something as delicate as a flower has thorns


	22. Page 22

**DARE**

“I dare you to walk across this broken glass to get to me.” You said

“Why can’t you walk across it to get to me?” I asked

“I don’t want to get cut.” You said

“Neither do I.” I said while walking towards you barefoot.

“I dare you to grab the arrow.” You said

“Why can’t I hold the bow and you hold the arrow?” I asked

“I don’t want to get hurt.” You said

“Neither do I.” I said gripping the arrow as you took a step back.

“I dare you to stand in front of this gun.” You said

“Why don’t you let me hold the gun?” I asked

“I don’t want to get shot.” You said

“Neither do I.” I said placing the barrel to my chest as you put your finger on the trigger.


	23. Page 23

**III. seeing the blue sky**

**(that haze that hangs around after the storm clouds cleared**

**to remind you of the hell you went through**

**the destruction it caused**

**the roots it tore up from the ground**

**the flowers it drowned**

**the promises of sunshine when all it brought was rain**

**the water got too high so I found the courage to swim to the top**

**break through and see the blue sky again, kind of peace.)**


	24. Page 24

**i’m not a god damn balloon**

i’m afraid of losing everyone 

  
but no one has ever been afraid to lose me

  
no one has ever fought for me

they just filled me up 

and let me go

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


	25. Page 25

**i** **was loved, lost and forgotten**

i won’t file down my nails flat anymore

i’ll sharpen them to a point

to point out that your biggest mistake

was thinking i couldn’t grow claws

to scratch out how you made me

_feel_


	26. Page 26

**i’m not kissing anymore snakes**

i should have looked down (instead of at your face)

i should have noticed the heaviness in my feet

i should have felt myself turning into stone

my body became a statue in the shade

as you walked into the sun


	27. Page 27

**my words pushed you away**

maybe i shouldn’t have told you all about the broken pieces of me.

maybe i should have stripped off my old skin and became new.

maybe i should have kept my lips shut tight, locked them and thrown the key away, in the dark where the memories should have stayed.

your eyes should have never read those words.

they weren’t meant for you.

they were meant for people who couldn’t put faces to the names.

they were meant for people who would never see my body and touch the places where his fingertips once were.


	28. Page 28

**not yours, never was**

i belong to you

the same way the stars belong to the sky

i may shine brighter when you’re around

but i’m not afraid of the dark


	29. Page 29

**losing it**

I CHANGED MY MIND

I DON’T WANT TO

OR SIMPLY NO

DOES NOT MEAN

CONVINCE ME

NAG ME

INSULT ME

OR CONSTANTLY ASK ME

OVER AND OVER


	30. Page 30

**you could have handed me a mop**

i deserved closure

especially once i poured my heart out on the floor

turned myself inside out

to get a measly two words out of someone

who was too worried about my feelings

to care about what the silence would do to me later


	31. Page 31

**that’s what being brave is**

i allowed myself to feel something

i didn’t think was possible

i took down the walls

that i spent years building

brick after brick

trauma after trauma

i went searching

in dark caves

for words

i’ve never said to anyone

it was the moment i changed

from worrier

to warrior

and i don’t want to go back

to the way i was


	32. Page 32

**on a scale of 1 to 10**

i have spent months writing about it

talking about it

thinking about it

waiting till it didn’t hurt anymore

but that’s not what happened

it’s always going to hurt

it’s always going to feel like something

the scar is there

the spot will always be tender to touch

but it’s healing

it’s closing

the pain is fading


	33. Page 33

This year felt like three years in total because of how much has happened.

I learned a lot

lost a lot and cried more than I ever have.

I started the year with everything I thought I wanted and needed.

I put all of my happiness into temporary things and I forgot about myself.

I learned that friendships that seem like stone can break and sometimes it doesn't take much.

I learned that talking about my feelings doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong and no one should make me feel bad for it.

I'm not fragile, I'm sensitive and I care about others more than myself.

It's a gift and a curse.

I learned that if something feels wrong it's okay to speak up and being comfortable with someone takes time. There's no deadline and there's nothing wrong with me.

I learned that nothing is more important than my mental health, not college, not relationships, not family or friends. If anything threatens it, I will distance myself to better myself.

I learned that when things fall apart something better is coming. It might take a while but as cliche as it sounds, patience is key.

I learned that healing is not a straight line, it peaked then it dropped back down. It's been a roller coaster, and I'm still on it, but I'm not avoiding it. I'm on it for better or worse.

I don't have any resolutions for 2019. I just want to keep doing things that make me happy. I want to write more. I want to take more pictures. I want to read more. I want to continue my education. I want to reconnect with people. I want to make new friends and memories I want to forgive myself, which is what this book is. It’s me getting everything out so that I can start living and writing about the next chapters in my life and leave the past where it belongs.


End file.
